'Nice Girls Don’t Ask', the phenomenon of women silencing themselves

Writing for Harvard Business Review, for example, Linda Babcock and her colleagues note in their article “Nice Girls Don’t Ask” that women in the workplace tend to stifle their views, lest they be seen as difficult. As I recounted to the student body last week, even Taylor Swift weighed into this phenomenon, offering the insight that “oftentimes when women respond, that response is treated like the offence itself”.

As educators at a girls’ school, we feel that it is our duty to ensure that your daughters have the best chance of being able to speak their minds. We think that if they are able to do this, not only will they be better off, but the world itself will be better off. We also believe that they can speak their minds without losing the kind, intelligent and loving character of our student body. And so, we have sought to find practical ways that we can explicitly teach this wonderful generation of girls how to speak when they have something to say, and how to listen when someone wants to speak with them.

How to speak when you have something to say, and how to listen when someone wants to speak with you...

To do this, we have introduced a six-step process for having a conversation that a student fears might be “difficult” for any reason. We have sourced this process from Women and Leadership Australia, and made it accessible to teenagers. Recently I spoke at assembly to the entire student body about this, and Sarah McPhail and Charlotte Edwards helped me to develop a role-play wherein we showed the students how it works. Of note, the six-step process teaches our young women how to take the perceived problem out of the hearts of either the speaker or the listener, and externalise it in the space between them so that a practical solution can be sought.

I have suggested to the student body that our students can use this six-step process to talk to a teacher or a fellow student if they are ever afraid of speaking their minds or asking for help. Our staff have spent time learning to expect the six-step process, and know how to respond to it. As I have said to the student body, before they leave PLC Sydney, it is our hope that they learn to use this process with their teachers and each other and practise speaking in ways that can introduce change by saying what it is they need to say. In short, we think this is a practical way to “make the world a better place and life a worthier thing”.

We know that for many young women, holding onto a burning issue or perceived problem can be a heavy burden to bear. We know that this burden can sometimes only be relieved upon return to their safe place, like home. It is our hope that our students take us up on the opportunity “practise” their six-step process in the safe place that is the school environment, so that their post-school lives are all the richer for it. If - and when - your daughter finds herself in the position where she needs to say something and is fearful of doing so, we warmly encourage you to remind her of this invitation we are extending to her to come and talk to us.